Don’t Feel Like Talking

You snapped at me twice in the past three days 

The first time was on CNY day 3, morning, where I ranted to you that the maid didn’t wake up at the time I asked her to and hence I didn’t have fresh boiled water to make Hayden’s milk. You were throwing tomatoes in the pot and I saw that the water was still murky. So I asked did you rinse the rice and throw off the murky water? You said no, and I did a usual nose laughter and that set you off. You turned to me and said “what’s wrong with you?! Hmrph me for what? Morning scold maid also. What is your problem?”

I was so taken aback because a) I genuinely was laughing and not scoffing him and b) I got scolded for telling the maid off?

I was so furious but I just retorted “walaoeh!” And you replied me the same 

I’m upset and just broken

You misunderstood my laughter. You’re suggesting that I’m mistreating the helper. And the more heartbreaking part was you scolded me in front of H.

Is this how it’s gonna be? You’re gonna lose your temper at me in front of our son? We said before that we will never do that. Yet you have done it

Your stupid hot temper. Just like your dad. Just like your dad losing temper at your mother in front of you and your siblings 

Bravo. This is how it’s gonna be

I will make sure H will not learn this from you 

The second time you snapped, was two days later. Honestly I was still not in a chatty mood but I was trying. We were on the way back from the mall and we mentioned to pack lunch from Statellite. Then you passed by the turning and I said “eh I thought we’re gonna tapao?” And you immediately say “you didn’t say also!” Which I said “I already said to tapao the chicken noodle right?” 

Wow I really have no mood to deal with you anymore. Back to zero chatty mood.

I keep thinking is it my problem? Where is the problem? What have I done to deserved this kind of attitude? I don’t know, so the best thing for me now is to just keep quiet. Honestly I’m quite phobic of talking to you already. Even now when I laugh I don’t dare to, who knows you will misunderstand again and I get shoot down again?


I’m just gonna keep quiet and talk less

This way, less chances of miscommunication = less chances of getting shoot

Good plan

Mentally and emotionally tired

Sad, disappointed, hurt, scared, scarred

And the other night when we were having steamboat dinner, when I causally mentioned “oh the helper stopped eating already” cuz her bowl was not on the table already and she was starting to clear the boxes

In front of your brother you have to say “well you asked her to do things ma”

OMG what is wrong with you?

Are you suggesting I am mistreating the helper? That I stopped her from eating? That I shouldn’t have asked her to do something?

That something was asking her to take a few sets of cutleries so that your brother and family can eat

So I should do it myself or just wait for her to finish eating only ask her to take?

What is a helper for? Helper is there to give us an extra helping hand right? I won’t be an idiot like the last time round where we over took care of the helper (cooking for her, letting her eat before us etc) and doing her job! 

So misunderstood

And I don’t want to defend myself

What for? If you want to think of me like that, whatever I say will be useless. I can’t do much. I know what I am doing and I know my heart in treating people 

I have no one to prove anything to

You want to think of me like that? Go ahead and continue doing so

H is 6 Months Old!

H is half a year old!
Since giving birth, I’ve lost sense of time

It’s true

Being a mother is a 24/7 job

Everyday is the same routine of feeding, pumping, changing diapers, cuddling, rocking, wiping, bathing etc you get the drift

As I type the words “half a year old”, it feels so surreal to me

It’s been a wonderful journey so far๐Ÿ™‚

In the past month, H has:

  • Started to push himself into a crawling position
  • Started to sit unassisted
  • Drinks 180ml of formula (3-4 times a day) and 190ml of ebm (once or twice a day; depending on my yield)
  • Able to sleep on his own (I don’t need to carry him to sleep anymore) but I’ve to be around๐Ÿ™‚
  • Taps / hits / swings his hands on surfaces e.g. table, book, my chest etc
  • Cries less (only the occasional trapped fart, heheh)
  • Smiles, chuckles and giggles so much
  • Sleeps long stretches at night and naps pretty well during day time

I’ve been bringing him out more often now and I’m slowly getting used to it + being more relaxed (not so ganchiong)๐Ÿ™‚

More exciting milestone / moments soon!



Confessions of a Mom

The latest hashtag on Dayre is #confessionsofamom

I find it fun to read what other moms has to confess.

I listed 5 things on my Dayre but I have more swimming through my mind now.

6. I miss traveling very much

7. This is not a mom’s confession but more of a married woman’s confession: I miss my life before marriage. I miss us being a couple, just doing things on our own, going places spontaneously, lying on bed chatting, falling asleep together, cuddling, holding hands… Just enjoying each other’s company

Actually I’m totally fine with H in the picture. I crave for private times for our little family. ไบŒไบบไธ–็•Œ, ไธ‰ไบบไธ–็•Œ is what I want.

Sadly these days, whenever my husband’s back, my PIL will be present as well. What happened to the picture perfect little family I had in mind? I wished the three of us would go out on spontaneous outings, spend time at home or just doing things as a family. Just the three of us.

8. I feel bad not being able to breastfeed H especially the times when he needs comfort sucking. When he licks my shirt at the boob area… OMG the guilt really killed me. I feel so sorry and horrible that I’m can’t offer him the comfort of mommy’s breast. I’m really traumatized by the pain.

9. The only reason why I set my mind wanting to give H breastmilk in the first place was, it’s free! Not so much about the bonding (seriously… Do you remember anything when you’re a baby? The bonding feeling is more for the mother) and don’t get me started on those ridiculous ‘findings’ that states breastfeed babies will earn more money in the future crap! And be realistic, it’s not a miracle substance that will shield your child forever. They’ll grow up eating junk / processed food unless you live in the mountains. 

10. Some times when H is colicky and cries for long durations, I’d tend to him in silent. I’ll be comforting him by carrying him around while tapping his back, gently rocking him without saying anything etc simply because I’ve done everything I could, I’ve said everything I could and you’ll get exhausted at one point right? It’s those times where you just gotta wait it out. Only a parent/parents with colic baby will know what I go through. In the early days where the husband is home more often, he will comment why am I not consoling the crying baby verbally or talking to the baby… OMG I really felt like punching him because I’ve spent close to an hour consoling a baby, exhausted and frustrated, and all you do is watch from the side and comment on my parenting skill? I told him a few times that I wished he would experience taking care of the baby just for one day, then he’ll know what I go through emotionally and physically. It’s not that I don’t want to comfort my baby, it’s I already said everything I could, done everything I can, but the baby is still crying. So what else can I do? Just carry and hug the baby walking around and pray that the crying will end soon. Do you know how draining it is to have a baby crying in your arms/next to your ears?

Destined to be Alone?

Milk pumping sessions always allow my mind to wander… I’m not sure if it’s just me, but I feel very lonely whenever I’m expressing milk; especially the moment I press the ‘on’ button… a pang of loneliness will hit me real hard. Why am I feeling this way? Is this normal?

Reflecting on my life so far… Am I happy?

My answer now is: Not particularly happy. Not sad either. Just feeling… A lil numb, to be honest.

My heart skips a beat and bursts with happiness when I am with H though. Or when my parents come over to help babysit. Other than that, it feels like I’m just going through each day on an auto pilot mode.

The one emotion that I’m constantly feeling is loneliness. This feeling has been following me ever since I fell pregnant last year (the same time BY started his new career in Singapore).

Sometimes I feel that being too independent and strong is not a good thing. There are many times I wish I could just sit back and relax and let others run the show. Sometimes I just want to act stupid and blur so that I don’t need to do certain things.

The one person that I wished could help me most does not really help in the way I expect. 

I always remind myself not to put high expectations but, is it wrong to expect my husband to help out with the baby when he’s home from outstation? Am I being selfish for wanting him to be involved with the baby (bathing, feeding, cradling, entertaining the baby, diaper change etc) when he’s home? Or should I just let him relax? 

I’m feeling very torn. 

I’ve never like to tell anyone what to do, more so my husband. I wished he would volunteerily offer to help me with the baby.

Sometimes I feel there is no difference when he’s back home. I’m still alone in the room with H. I’m still doing everything on my own. I’m still left behind while he goes out for breakfast/lunch/dinner with his family. I’m still left behind while he goes out to run errands / eyes fixed on his phone / hangs out outside etc. I’m still left to tend to the baby alone.

Don’t get me wrong. I am very grateful that he makes an effort to come home whenever he can. I’m thankful he will go buy the things that I need. I’m thankful for the breakfasts, little jokes that he makes to make me smile, bringing me out to the neighborhood mall sometimes etc, and I can see he is trying to give me more time (spending less time on the car, checking in on me while entertaining his parents etc).

But, am I being selfish for me for wanting more? 

Is it wrong for me to want undivided attention from my husband? I feel like I’m just part of the equation. I feel like I need to ‘share’ him. I feel like I’m given time slots. I feel like my in laws are hogging him. Why can’t they understand that his wife needs him? Why can’t they understand that he has his own family to take care of now? Why do they have to invade our home and time and space?

I really dislike the saying ‘treat people the way you want to be treated’. I’ve never agreed with this because it’s not true.

I put my husband first before my parents once I became a wife. But I feel I am not his first. Sometimes I feel like a 2nd class citizen at home when I’m left behind while he goes out makan with his parents or help them with their house Reno. I don’t remember him being that involved when our house was under Reno.

Is it wrong for me to expect him to carry out his daddy duties? 

Sometimes I imagine myself in his shoes. What would I do? 

Knowing me, I am sure I will not leave my wife alone at home. I will pack meals/cook and eat with my wife at home. Or, I will ask my family to eat with us at home. I will certainly ask what I can help with the baby. I will spend private time with my wife and son, instead of my phone, my dogs, my car, my parents. I will deny visitors or spend limited time with visitors, family or friends. Spouse comes first.

Sadly, I am not him.

I cannot expect him to do all these for me. I can only hope he will do it willingly for me. 

I can only hope.

At the meantime, I am constantly reminding myself to be thankful everyday.

I always remind myself to focus on the good things. I guessed that is one of the way I ride through the loneliness.

How the heck did I go through pregnancy alone? 

I managed the household on my own. I continuouly did heavy chores throughout my pregnancy (climb up and down to organize things, carry stuff around, supervised minor reno/repair works in the house, managed two high maintainence dogs, wash the front porch every morning, vacum and mop the house everyday). Oh my mom will kill me if she knew I climbed up and down so much during pregnancy. I only had help from an hourly cleaner at the end of my pregnancy.

I drove to Bangsar back and forth every single day.

I went to every checkup on my own (except for the few times Husband is back, we will definitely go together).

I go to bed alone. This was the hardest.

How the heck did I go through labor alone?

Throughout the pregnancy, there’s nothing that I wished more for BY to be with me in the delivery suite. 

I imagine him holding my hand. I imagine him tearing while H enters the world. I imagine him cutting the umbilical cord. I imagine him kissing me thanks for bringing our son to this world.

I did not experience any of the above.

Life is funny. Life is cruel.

When I see friends’ husbands thanking their wife publicly for giving birth, I feel so envious. When I see my friends’ husbands helping out with the babies, I feel sadness in me. Why isn’t my husband that involved with the baby? 

Why am I left alone to do everything?

Sometimes I imagine H all grown up, and one day he will have his own family too. That day, I will be alone again.

Is this my destiny? My fate? 

Sometimes I’m really surprise that I haven’t gone crazy yet.

Think this is one way to keep me sane: write it out, blabber it out.

Ok, done with pumping. Life goes on. 

H is 4 Months Old

Dear H,

Happy 4th month to us both ๐Ÿ˜Š

In the past month, papa has been traveling back each weekend from Singapore to be with us. Today, however, he’ll be flying to Brunei for 1.5months (hopefully the project won’t get extended) ๐Ÿ˜–

We’ll miss him of course, and will patiently wait for his safe return.


You now weigh 6.7kg. And since you need me to carry most of the time, mommy’s wrists is kinda sprained. Especially when I don’t move my arms for long hours (either carrying you walking around or cuddling you while sleeping), boy, does my wrists feel like it’s breaking apart.

But it’s ok… I keep telling myself that my time with you is limited and precious. I’m gonna carry you until you don’t need me to carry anymore (unless my wrists really breaks or when my body gives way ๐Ÿ˜ณ)

Milk Intake

You are still drinking 120ml of milk throughout the month. But the past week I’ve been giving you an extra ounce of breastmilk, and starting tomorrow, I will increase your formula milk intake to 140ml (an additional 20ml).

You drink every 3-hour during the day time.

Sleep Pattern

This is interesting. Somehow you started to sleep long stretches during the night automatically.

At first, you will drink milk at around 4-5:30pm, cry for maybe half an hour or so (fight sleep I guess), then you will sleep from probably 8pm to pass midnight. One record was you slept till 4:30am!

The past two weeks or so, you will sleep at around 8 or 9pm, wake up at around 12am for milk, then sleep for another 4-5 hours.

Your sleep pattern is not consistent yet. I hope it will regulate soon.

Your ‘First’

You’ve experienced your first CNY. A quiet one this year, but I promise you for the following years we’ll bring you out to see festive mall decorations and hopefully catch a lion dance performance.

You’ve started to smile, chuckle and even laugh!

You started to show signs of wanting to turn over, and the last two days, it seems you almost succeeded.

You can identify toys and will grab them with your little hand.

You are showing teething signs. Dr Chew says you are experiencing ‘itchy gums/mouth’, hence you were on a sucking and licking frenzy of late. You gave mommy several ‘curry chicken’.

Still There…

You’re still a gassy baby, full of flatulence. Not sure if your condition has improved or is it me that has gotten used to your crying ๐Ÿ˜ but seems like things are getting better? I’m trying my best to help you minimize the chances of trapped fart kacauing you… Still helping you massage, do leg stretches and all.

I’ve also asked papa to buy Woodwards Gripe Water. Doesn’t seem to work a miracle but hey, whatever that helps minimize your farting discomfort, I’m up for it.

Read Month 0

The Things I Will Teach H #1

It’s been 4 months since I started my role as a mother. 

I still feel surreal at times when I look at him. My son? I’m a mother? Such an unbelievable feeling ๐Ÿ˜Š

There are some virtues and things I hope to instill in H. I’m listing them down along the way as a reminder to myself.

1. Putting your wife first

It is important for you to put your wife first before your parents AND your children.

It will not be easy for any mothers to do this, but I feel it is so important for any son to know.

Dear H, the day when you make a fine lady your wife, that is the day she will be your number one, and mommy will take a step back (probably kick back and relax! But honestly speaking, we will never stop watching out for you and loving you).

Before I go on any further, I want you to tell you: Don’t worry about mommy and daddy.

You are not loving us less when you put your wife first

Nope, you’re not being unfillial; you’re not loving us any less. Remember that our bond as mother / daddy and son will never change. Our bond is sealed from the moment we knew we were expecting you.

Don’t think that you need to take care of us because that’s mommy and daddy’s job to take care of each other. It’s daddy’s responsibility to take care of me, his wife. And it’s my responsibility to take care of daddy, my husband. 

We have never expected you to do anything for us. Do not feel obliged. 

We didn’t choose to bring you to this world in hopes for you to ‘repay’ us. 

We just want you to lead a happy and fulfilling life.

Remember that ok?

Ok, let me continue my point #1.

Well, it is important for you to prioritize your wife over us because she will be the one accompanying you till the end, not mommy, not daddy. Hence, it is important for you to build a strong relationship with your chosen life companion. 

Just imagine if your wife feels that she’s not getting the love that she needs from you, how can she continue to walk with you hand in hand happily? They don’t say “Happy Wife, Happy Life” for nothing.

Love your wife fiercely and you’ll see how your home will be filled with love and comfort and laughter. I guarantee you that. 

Love your wife and set a good example to your children. A loving parents will create loving home. 

Create a healthy cycle. You are responsible for your childrens’ future and outlook in life.

You and your wife chose each other, it was your decision to make each other life partners, that is why you will have to work hard at maintaining your marriage. 

Not everyone is lucky to be able to find love. So when you find her, hold on to her. Cherish her. 

Always remember your vows. Protect your marriage.

2. Integrity 

 Enough said.